


You say you loved me, but you left

by stillirise



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bella with a backbone, F/M, More Chapters to Come, Women Being Awesome, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4389233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillirise/pseuds/stillirise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I loved you more than my own life, but never again more than my self-respect."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I love you, but I don't forgive you.

"Bella, as if a world could exist where  _I_ could stop loving you. How utterly absurd?" Edward shook his head, amazed, "Honestly, Bella, how could you have believed me?"

She froze in the that cold embrace. Then, her brain registered the words. "I knew it," She wailed, eyes leaking with salty, stinging tears.

Edward looked alarmed, before she continued, "I knew this was a dream."

How else could her beautiful, perfect Edward make her so very angry?

_How could **you** have believed me? _

How could the real, genuine Edward make such a backhanded apology?

_How could **you** have believed me? _

How could the man she loved blame _her_ for _trusting_ that he would say what he meant?

 _How could_ **_you_ ** _have believed me?_

"This isn't a dream," Edward chuckled, the sound low and frustrated. He turned her face with his infuriating vampire strength, bending low to kiss her. 

"Please, don't."

He paused, "Bella, I love you."

"I just want to wake up," she said, exhausted and hurt. She was scarred and sleepy. She was hallucinating.

He let go of her space and spun a tale about how she had been the light in his dull galaxy. She had been his comet and when she was gone, everything existed but he had changed. 

"Hmm," she murmured, struggling not to cry because suddenly she understood. 

She was Charlie. Edward was her Renee. 

Edward loved intensely like her mom, but it was temporary and fleeting. Her mom had been like the bird, something unable to caged. She was always flying with a careless freedom, forever nudging others to take a dive back up, but at the end there was always another destination in mind and another opportunity to explore. She had fun as did others, never realizing that the people she left behind felt used and abandoned.

Edward wasn't reliable enough to be her forever man.

The truth of that sent spasms of pain throughout her soul. 

It left her gasping for breathe and shaking in a cold marble embrace. She keened like a mournful raven, "I want to wake up."

"Bella," he murmured, his voice as sweet as lullaby, but words puncturing as sharp as any knife, "You're not dreaming. I love you. I have always-"

"Then, why don't you show it?" she shrieked, unable to contain herself.  He looked at her, hurt. But, now that she spoke, she couldn't stop the floodgate of words from seeping out of the dam that was her mouth. "Edward, you lied to me. You've been lying ever since they day I met you. I get that you couldn't tell me what you were, but you pushed me away and tugged me closer all at the same time. God, I was on a hospital bed and I cried, pleaded, and begged you to never leave me. You left. Its not just that you took control over a decision that mattered between the two of us. You left me at that forest, bleeding and broken."

He looked at her, alarmed. "I left you on the trail."

"I just did what I've done since day one," Bella said, shrugging carelessly, "I chased after you. Edward, I don't mean physically. You left me bleeding and broken in here." She made him rest his hand on her fragile human heart, "You told me I wasn't good enough, and I believed you. But, I had to try."

His hand left her heart and captured her hands.

"Blasphemy," he reminded, sincerely, "Bella, I never meant that. It is I who never deserved you. Back in the forest, I could see that you wouldn't let go." 

She shrugged again, "I still chased after you, but I can't do that anymore."

"You have me," he protested, vehemently, before adding uncertainly, "Unless there is someone else."

"That's none of your business," she snapped and he looked surprised, suspicious, and hurt. He admitted ruefully, "I suppose that's fair."

"Edward Anthony Cullen," she whispered, cradling his head gently in her hands, "I am utterly and completely in love with you. However, I cannot see a future with as you are know. I cannot have a future with so controlling, manipulative, deceitful, and unreliable. I need you to leave."

Instantly, he was off the bed and his back against her wall, voice uncertain, "You _want_ me to leave?"

"I _need_ you to leave," she confessed honestly, before adding bitterly, "You're good at that."

He flinched, visibly tortured. In an overly formal voice, he asked, "Will I be permitted to see you again?"

"Maybe," she said, sighing at the hopeful glint in his eyes. "Get out."

In a slow, human-like pace, he left.

She closed the window shut, and slid down the wall. She hugged her knees to her chest.

Was this some form of the monkey's paw. Hadn't she wished for him to come back and love her again? Victory had never felt so hollow.

Forgiveness was a character of the strong. She didn't know if she had the strength to be strong. 

Deliberately, rashly, she made a decision that she hoped Alice could see. She unfolded herself, head held high.

"I don't forgive you, Edward," she said, out loud. "Don't speak to me. Don't talk to me. For two weeks, you will give me space. At the end, you will tell me why I did not forgive you. You will not tell me why you betrayed me, only what actions betrayed me and the consequences of those actions. You will give me this in a letter, recording, or video via family member. You will not look at me. You will not touch me. You and your family must not press me for a response. For the next two weeks, we will correspond through letters, recordings, or videos. In those last two weeks, we will negotiate a contract with one rule added each of those days. Something along the lines of _I will discuss decisions with my mate as an equal_. You will not look at me. You will not touch me. At the end of the the month, we'll both know whether this relationship can be salvaged, if it can be saved."

She raised her head higher, "Today or tomorrow, loudly knock twice if we have an agreement."

There was complete and utter silence.

_Knock. Knock._

"I missed you, my lion," she let out a relieved sob, confessing for the second time that night, "I love you, Edward."

She closed her eyes, ready to drift and too tired to move to the bed. "I loved you more than my own life, but never again more than my self-respect." She was startled awake by a surprising sound.

_Knock. Knock._

 

 

 

 


	2. I know I said I'd give you space, but can you let me know you still love me beneath that poker face?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I'd give you space, but can you let me know you still love me beneath that poker face?  
> This is E-POV.

It was was almost unbearable.

She was so close, yet so far away... and he didn't know what to do. 

He didn't know what to say.

She passed by him, sending him a sideways glance and left to enter their classroom.

She didn't frown.

She didn't send him accusing looks.

However, that wasn't what worried him.

She didn't, well, he knew she still loved him.

Right. 

Edward swallowed.

He could bear the anger. He deserved that, but it was the look in her eyes. She looked not angry, but numb or rather resolute.

Not for the first time, he wished he could peak inside her mind and unlock her secrets. 

He was so used to reading people and while it could get annoying, he was adjusted to using his "gift." He could lie, fake anger, rile people up, calm them down, and charm them because it was so easy. Everyone thought things and he was used to responding to thoughts and what they really wanted, but not what they said or what they wanted others to think they wanted.

For the longest time, Bella had been an interesting oddity.

That was rather callous, Edward inwardly scolded himself, because Bella was more than an oddity or a mystery.

It was just rather horrible to admit, but it bothered him. He could no longer read her.

He remembered that she taught him how to read her, how to interact with someone without the help of his gift.

He had learned to read the furrow of her eyebrows when she was upset. He learned to draw the slight, subtle twitch of her lips to make her happy. He learned the way the she hid herself behind the curtain of her hair when she was self-conscious. He learned the way she looked at his nose, never his eyes, when she angry, because when she looked then they were both lost and the arguments fell apart so easily. He remembered the day he discovered then when she was truly furious. She had cried messy an blotchy tears that blinded her eyes, but she wouldn't back down. She felt so strongly and loved so hard that it was really others that were blind, not her. 

He felt a smile play on his lips as he unconsciously raked his eyes over her small frame.

Electricity hummed, drawing him closer to his mate. It made him want to reach out and touch her. It made him want to hold her and never let go. 

She stiffened. Her could see her move to hug herself, her small hand squeezing her arms so hard that he could almost see her veins. 

He could feel the venom pool in his mouth and shook himself. He sighed, knowing he needed to hunt later that evening.

It was irresponsible of him to have waited this long, but he wanted to be around her and show, perhaps futilely, that he was still here and he was here to stay.

Then, he deliberately looked away from Bella and watched out of the corner of his eyes, the way her body subconsciously relaxed.  

_One more week left._

He knew that he had a lesson to learn, but he found himself at a loss. She hadn't forgiven him. Why would she? He had left her at the fate of a vengeful vampire. He had left her defenseless and alone until she had to consort with volatile angry werewolves. Perhaps, he should have stayed. He should have watched over her from afar.

He frowned, unsure.

That wasn't why she was angry. It would be reasonable to assume that, but it didn't feel like the right answer.

Maybe it was the way he left. He had lied and deceived her. That was bound to make anyone angry. Also, his words were... terrible, false, untrue, blasphemy, and unforgivable.

He couldn't rewind time though.

For every truth, every compliment, every endearment, she had grimaced at him. She had joked. She had brushed him off.

For every lie, she had looked at him, her fragile shoulders slouched in defeat, an her eyes had screamed,   _I knew this was coming. I know I'm not good for you, but I promise I'd do whatever it takes to deserve you._

It had worried and saddened him, but it was worse than that. Her response had maddened him. He wanted to yell, to scream, to demolish a forest, and make heads roll.

 _Did I do this to you?_ He had wanted to ask her,  _Was I the one that had made you believe that you were so hard to love?_

It would make sense, but he remembered her whispering to him,  _My mom got remarried and he had to travel a lot. Whenever she was there without him, she was so unhappy. I didn't want her to be unhappy, so I left. I wanted her to be happy, you know._

It infuriated him, made the ruthless monster that he was want to  _do_ something, anything.

He could understand if that was had been the last straw, unforgivable in her eyes. He had preyed on her doubts and it had broken her.

But, still. It felt like the wrong answer. 

 _At the end, you will tell me why I did not forgive you._ _You will not tell me why you betrayed me, only what actions betrayed me and the consequences of those actions._  She had told him, resolute as ever.

He had left her, but that wasn't the  _Betrayal_ with a capital B.

He had deceived her, but that wasn't the  _Betrayal_ with a capital B.

 _What was it?_ He racked a hand through his hair. 

He couldn't read Bella's mind. He couldn't magically give her the answer he knew she wanted. 

That made it worse.

He wanted to give Bella anything and everything, but a part him couldn't help but hold back. 

 _My answer changes everything,_ Edward realized. _What if I'm right and what if I'm wrong. What if my inability to read her mind, my inability to read the situation, to manipulate the situation, costs me everything?_ _What if these strange new dynamics tear us further apart?_

 _What if doesn't_ _work out and I loose the only human being that matters to me?_

_What if I lose her?_

Edward allowed himself to feast his eyes upon the woman he loved, unable to help himself.

For the first time in a long time, she looked back at him.

He couldn't help, but mouth the words, "I missed you, my lamb." Earnestly, he said, "I love you, Bella."

His froze, waiting for her anger. She had been clear in her instruction to not look at her and to not talk to her. He had forgotten and he half-wished he had mouthed it too fast for human eyes.

She didn't look disgusted.

She didn't look angry. 

She had tears in her eyes, looking overwhelmed and unsure, but there was love. There was so much love there and he felt honored to have that look directed at him.  

Biting her lip, she whispered in a voice too low for human ears, "Me, too."

He knew she was scared. She had lost herself in him once before and he had hurt her, but the brave little human that she was didn't shy away from giving an undeserving mess like him a second chance to make things right. 

She looked away, her jaw tight, resolutely looking at the white board.

 

 

He couldn't help, but smile like a lovesick fool because he had lost himself in her, too, ever since the day he had met her, only it took almost too long for him to catch on. 

For the first time in a long time, she had looked back at him, and he couldn't bear to look away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated. Also, Edward is not sitting next to Bella. He's in the back row. Bella's in the front row.


End file.
